I don’t particularly like horses. It’s a fact, and I am sorry if this offends some, but horses... particularly ponies, are the devil. Have you ever looked deep into a horse’s eye? I have, and let me tell you, they put on the facade of innocence to let you think they are domesticated beasts of burden. But, I know the truth, and the truth is they are plotting your murder.
I know this because I am a survivor of a brutal murder attempt by a horse named Trixie. I should have known with a name like Trixie that ill fortune awaited me. My next sign should have been the pony had no saddle. I was about to mount a pony the way the Native Americans did, bare back. But throwing caution to the wind because I was a brave man, yes I laugh in the face of danger! But for real, the girl I was trying to impress was there, so I would have eaten a Tarantula if i had had to.
So I got on the pony in a manner of speaking. She was much taller than I had thought. But after some huffing and puffing and 3 falls I sat there, with the wind in my face, the sun to my back... facing the wrong way. But I would not be conquered; I boldly turned around and heehawed the beast to move.
With as much theatrics as I had mustered, the pony failed to move nearly as fast as I thought she should. We plodded along, until the pony decided we had gone far enough that I could receive no help from anyone when she attempted my murder.
We had just rounded the trails corner going into the woods, when she just wandered... innocently enough in to the woods, disregarding my calls for her to return to the trail she walked right into a bramble bush. Cutting my faces hands and body, she didn’t stop. No, the deed was begun and there was no going back now. My death awaited me. Dodging tree branches, and stumps the pony now tried to simply crush me. She pushed her entire body weight against a tree. My leg, caught between sent this message to my brain, OWWW!!! I struggled valiantly to free myself. After an eternity of crushing pain, Trixie began to walk again. Heading in a bee-line, right to the old fence.
Thank God, I thought to myself, we were in a field now, nothing could hurt me, or so I thought. This old and broken-down animal who never ran, now took to a full gallop, or as close to it as she could muster. Do you remember, I impressed the lady by riding bare backed? This proved to be a very dumb idea on my part. Bare back is bad enough bare back on a spine is a much, let me repeat that part, MUCH worse idea. The pony now came to a abrupt stop, I gained some satisfaction knowing that when my bony rear hit her bony spine, that it must hurt equally as much as it did me.
This bony collision must have spurned "poor old Trixie" because she walked up to the barbed wire.... electrically charged fenced and proceeded to scratch, not one square inch of her body, no my other leg. At this time, I was no longer trying to impress anyone, and was now just fearful for my life; I cried for help, looking back at my friends, I found them all to be having a good laugh at my expense. I still have the scar left on my right leg caused by this pony.
Read my story and heed my warning. The horse race is plotting to take over the world, and they will do so, one rider at a time. Also, impressing women should not be nearly as difficult as it is.
Hope todays a good one!
austininva
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